Ever since your mom and I split up I've had to conserve funds and find good deals where I can. Sometimes that means buying my clothing at a discounted rate. So, I come into this military surplus store from time to time. Ask me anything you want; that's how well I know my way around this place now. Camping gear, sleeping bags, and combat boots; ain't no thang but a chicken wang to me. But the coolest things you can buy at a military surplus store aren't even necessarily clothes! So look around. Maybe you'll get something fun from Dad!
Check these out: Meal, Ready-to-Eat (MRE) is by far one of the coolest things you can buy at a military surplus store. They're a staple of the American military. Here's how they work: open your MRE, find the bag that says heater, and fill it with water. Then put the entrée into it and hold up the heater so it prepares your meal. Voilà, dinner is served!
Can you imagine having one of these for lunch? Your friends would flip! Defo a cool item to buy. At the very least, it's neat. No?! Wow. Okay. You are tough to impress. This was my opening gambit and you're already giving me a thumbs down? What are you, Chloë Sevigny on the heels of Gummo? Haha, I know you don't know who that is, kiddo!
Mosquito Hat Net
I know the best military surplus online stores, but I prefer to come in person. That way I stumble upon things like this mosquito head net. It's one of the coolest things you can by at a military surplus store! Just imagine stepping out of the brush, into a clearing on the steamy jungle floor. There are so many bugs you need to be covered head to toe in mesh just to make it by. You set up camp. Kurtz is just a few clicks north. You're in Apocalypse Now! "The horror; the horror!" You've not seen it? Okay, well, this is still a cool hat. Take my word for it! And we'll watch that movie when you're older.
Okay, wow! This makes a teen look like Swamp Thing! You can blend right in with a tree or a bog. This is for sure one of the coolest things you can buy at a military surplus store. It's especially good if your class is going on a fan boat trip and you want to get there early to prank them! Wait, your class doesn't take fan boat trips? And you don't do pranks?! Your old man used to pull quite a lot of goofs in high school. I was a bit of a goof king. That's how I got the nickname "Clooney." Once I locked the entire faculty in a room during a meeting!
This are one of the coolest things you can buy from a military surplus store! You can use them if you go hiking, climbing, cycling, or just running around town. You don't do any of that stuff?! Wow, buddy, Mom has you on a tight leash. We can go on a hike whenever you want. This store has awesome military boots for hiking if you want to try any on.
These gloves are great for when I do pull ups so I don't get calluses. Three sets of ten is how much I can do. Yeah, I guess Dad is kinda cool!
These look just like the masks the Joker and his henchmen wore in The Dark Knight! Remember when we watched that movie together? That was a real good time. I love our times together. They're real special. Hopefully you'll never need one of these for reals because America's such a safe country. Even with President Sex Criminal in charge I don't think we'll ever have to have gas masks stocked in our house.
"You call that a knife? This is a knife."
"That's not a knife. That's a spoon."
"Alright alright; you win. I see you've played knifey spoony before." See, we have fun together when you visit; we quote The Simpsons! Isn't it crazy how many knives they have here. Everything from machetes to to bayonets. They're among the coolest things you can buy at a military surplus store. But Dad doesn't need one of these; I have a push knife for self-defense. That's brass knuckles with a blade sticking out!
Traveling Urinal Kit
This would rank as one of the coolest things you could buy at a military surplus store if the default were female and it came with a male adapter. GODDAMN THIS WHITE SUPREMACIST PATRIARCHY! Sorry, dad gets mad when things are bullshit. I just don't get why camping is gendered!
The woods welcome all equally; mother Gaia accepts everyone on equal footing. Also, I bet a dude could just use the female adapter if they made it the standard. Then there'd be no need for an adapter. But dudes just gotta be dudes, ya know? Check out these patches.
I think the people who think patches are the coolest thing at a military surplus store might be getting up to some Stolen Valor. Wait, you don't know what that is?! OMG! It's when people dress up like they're in the military so that they can be treated as if they are in the military! They get people coming up to them, taking pictures of them, and even get discounts. If you go to StolenValor.com you can actually read stories of people getting caught pretending that they were in the military, usually because they've got the wrong combination of patches.
Bullet Proof Vests
Ah, finally, the reason we're here, and one of the few things your mother and I agree on: you need to wear a bulletproof vest to school. This is one of the coolest things you can buy at a military surplus store because it'll keep you safe in the event that there's an active shooter at your school. It's a shame our country continues to do nothing about gun violence despite all the gun control solutions out there.