Soft Orders

Soon we will discover how drastically or minimally our lives will change, depending on where they decide to send you. To be honest, it's not like our every wish and need will be met at our convenience. But there is a small hope within me that somehow, even if I could pack a toothbrush and make a weekend trip to be with you, then it would be a literal dream. Yet in the midst of the chaos that we have surfed through since we had a talk about your decision, there is no denying that we have gained strength through the wait and hope through the silence. Months without contact besides the words scrawled quickly on a piece of flip notebook paper undeniably catalyzes the appreciation I have for your affection, even when you are forced to fit within some shell of existence they make for you while you are there. Ironically, I believe this kind of emotional turmoil I have experienced along the way has beautifully wrecked all of my expectations of what our lives would look like and has been replaced with an entire world map of possibilities.

Our first obstacle:

10 weeks of wondering when the next time would be that I would hear your voice.

10 weeks of wondering how we were going to make each bill when the last one seemed a fair race forward.

10 weeks of wondering how the physical workload was impacting your body and mind.

10 weeks of idiotically skipping steps en route to the campus post office just to see if there was a chance I would be getting a "lame and horrendously dry" letter, as you would call it.

10 weeks of fighting my thoughts about your training as I mentally screamed at myself to pull myself out of the shit-hole I created for myself and "STUDY! IT'S EXAM WEEK!"

10 weeks of Facebook stalking my support group to see if other members got a phone call on "Phone Call Sunday" or asking a million questions, ranging from, "When will I know his crossover has completed?" to, "how do I enroll into, like, EVERYTHING once we are married?"

10 weeks of just not making it to the end of the day without slipping a few tears on my way to a "bathroom break" because I hear an overwhelming amount of rumors that just aren't convenient and right now, my school work and research is just not alleviating any stress.

Someone reading this might have a thought concerning my dramatic nature, which is fine, but keep in mind that my soldier and I are the start of a military family, which hasn't been experienced from either side of our family.

Fast forward to today: in the midst of printing out wedding invitations when I have no. idea. whatsoever. if our date will be a part of his approved time off; I guess you can say thank God for a flexible family and community just in case all of our plans, once again, fly out of the window. Don't get the wrong idea, through this experience, I have truly learned that I was engineered sturdy and steady when I was made for my soldier. I have made peace with the fact that everything in the army is last minute, not guaranteed, inconvenient, and downright demanding. So why is it that fear is not an option at this point?

Love, you were once somebody who worked long, useless hours at so many odd jobs and come home empty and fearful of what the future held. Maybe that's why I felt comforted in the loneliest hours with you away, because I came to the realization that you made a stand to become a part of something bigger than yourself. Something that required so much sacrifice, yet offered an abundance of fulfilment.

Therefore, these next weeks, I will remain unmoved when the separation endures. The ugliest truth of the military is that the lifestyle is not designed to be compatible with family life, yet it does its best to be accommodating. So, it's best to stop making their plans for you the villain and make it part of my agenda if it is you that I chose. Even in the dreadful, upcoming assignment of your FDS, I will chose to make it work, even when I am in school and you are in duty. We will rise above it all and make possibilities into our reality.