Found only in the deepest
Wells and recesses of the
A mindful soul.
Seeking out the greatest and highly cherished memories; a task that many of us take for granted, especially when learning to cope with someone’s passing. This piece, I am writing in order to describe the process of grieving and recovering from grief. It is not something that everyone experiences in the same way; everyone has their own process, and it takes an indescribable amount of time to move forward and accept what cards have been strewn on the playing card table that is life. It is never easy, nor would I ever wish it to be so as such experiences can teach us a lot about ourselves, and just how much those that have passed meant to us in this little life of ours.
I had a comrade of mine pass a few months ago: they were a soldier, a great friend, and someone that many of my brothers and sisters in arms could come to for simple conversation or just to sit in silence and enjoy the day as it was, not for how we wanted it to be. And the very last memory that I have of them was getting them to laugh. It was a very simple laugh, nothing raucous or loud; a laugh of someone that was slowly letting the stresses of the day slide away.
I remember liking that laugh and feeling gratitude that I had done something for someone else, so that they may feel joy. This friend of mine gave so much of themselves that, by the end of the day, you could see the etch of exhaustion on their face and yet, they always were willing to give more. I was motivated by them, and then to suddenly have them ripped away was...hard, to say the least.
Every day, whenever I find myself thinking of my dear friend, I always think of the better moments that I had with them. As I have said, it is never easy; some days, I just want to throw things across the room and scream at the top of my lungs; I want to throw a punch, a thorough kick at a punching bag, literally anything that would make me feel the same pain that they did. I want to bring them back, and tell them that we heard them and that they are loved...But I can’t. What I can do is remember the joy that they brought to me, and to many others of our brothers and sisters in arms and to thank them. Thank them for even giving me the time of day, in the times when I may not have been having the best go of things and for helping me keep my head on straight.
Since their passing, every day has been a struggle: my own personal anxiety has reached an all-time high, and knowing that I cannot afford to make the time to care for my own personal mental and emotional well-being by attending appointments is nearly heartbreaking. I constantly have to take moments, throughout the day, to ground myself and remind myself that there is nothing that I cannot handle and that things are placed into my path for a reason.
We all miss you, brother. And we will see you again in Valhalla.
Cherish every moment that you have. Don’t let yourself live with any regrets; reach out to that person that you haven’t seen in years, and have always wanted to make plans for that cup of coffee. Let your cousins know that you're available and that you would like to make that special trip just to see them; call your grandparents, just to say hello! You don’t realize just how important those people truly are in your life until they’ve already cast off towards their next chapter.